A new update! Fresh from my resurrected computer! *choir of angels sings*
The first update introduced us to ISBI founder Theodora, who turned down a life of luxury with five hot library wives to dry-heave at every man in existence... except for one, Cashlin, who later invited her to go Downtown with him. THAT MEANS TRUE LOVE!
Somehow I forgot that this was going to be a group outing.
But at least it's one that spans the generations!
I took them to the P.U.R.E. club because it's basically hilarious raver hell. I redecorated part of it, but I couldn't bring myself to change the undistilled Maxis horror dance floors. They're just SO GOOD.
Also, I'm trying out ACR 2.0 for the first time so seeing these randos have dainty first kisses makes me laugh. With ACR 1, they'd already be 69-ing in the hot tub by now.
Cashlin: Don't worry, I think we can beat them there.
Hey, you guys might be contributing to the delinquency of a minor. Hopefully completely unintentionally.
Thankfully, Little Girl eventually leaves to start tearing up the dance floor downstairs. Lmao.
Theodora: Gosh, your cape looks SO nice!
Vampire: Why thank you! Half off at Nosferatu'z Crazy Capez outlet!
Theodora: TOO BAD THIS LON CHANEY BITCH MAKES ME WANT TO HURL! :D
Exhibit A for Theo's polite and pleasant demeanor, folks!
When it was time to leave, Cashlin didn't get out of the hot tub until about a good five or six hours later, meaning the cab had to sit there and WAIT for his stupid ass instead of ditching him.
I hope that pizza burns the roof of his mouth and it peels for two days straight.
Cashlin: Well that's just mean. D:
Theodora eventually starts giving me the satan death glare for making her interact with her only current option for legacy babies. No time for regrets now, girl! You better strap in!
THIS OLD BASTARD CAN STEAL CHARLIE?! SHENANIGANS!!!
YOU INVITED A KIDNAPPER INTO HER HOME, CASHLIN. HOW DARE YOU.
Theodora: No, I don't want to talk to anyone! I'm TRAUMATIZED!
Lady: It's only a chicken...
Theodora: Charlie :(
The next day, the chicken-napping has still gone unsolved. :(
But this will make it all better, right? Maybe?
OH I SEE. COLLUDING WITH THE CHICKEN THIEF ARE WE.
I know she didn't see who took Charlie, but I did. This is some Rear Window shit happening right now.
THIEF: HAY GUYS, DON'T MIND ME!
THIEF: I'll just be over here... enjoying the view... *lurklurklurk*
Wow, a thief AND a pervert? This guy is goin' places!
Theo and Cashlin shy-flirt until she has to leave for work.
FINALLY! It only took four days of trying to woo him.
Hey, I'm a busy person! Five whole seconds of love before popping the question is waiting long enough for me!
Cashlin: This is pretty sudden, but EH WHAT THE HELL, FREE DIAMOND, I'LL TAKE IT.
What's got Theo so upset?
Getting married on the sidewalk must be a major bummer. I wouldn't know.
OH HELLZ YES! Cashlin actually kinda lives up to his name! I can't turn down an extra five grand!
All those late bills get paid off about half an hour before the repoman was due to arrive and kick my ass. Phew!
Secondary Family Aspiration: Remember me? I'm heeeee~eeeeere! MUAHAHAHAHAHA!
OH GOD...... I don't know if I'm ready for ISBI kids...
Not like I have a choice! A legacy's gotta continue somehow!
Good news: Cashlin has a job! Bad news: I have no idea what it is. I'm trying to be good and not check his stats.
Wait, hold on - I guess he's a puppeteer or ventriloquist or something? And now he's got a creepy headless dummy? He sure as hell isn't bringing THAT shit back home.
plot twist: audience is made up entirely of redditors
Meanwhile: NOOOOOOOOOOO! Didn't I do this the last time I had this card, too?! :( Sigh. Darn worms, always making me wanna save 'em.
Theodora: GUESS WHAT I DID AT WORK TODAY! I SAVED WORMS, MAYBE. YAY!
But it's all an act. I saw her true ~depression~ while she ate her ham sandwich.
Theodora: Did I really throw away my dream career over some WORMS? Wow, I suck.
Gotta agree with you there...
OH MY GOD
CHARLIE'S HOME, BABY. CHARLIE'S HOME.
Theodora: snrk OH GOD. I DREAMT I GOT MARRIED TO SOME JERKOFF FROM A STRIP CLUB.
Cashlin: Nightmares again, dear?
Theodora: Hi honey! Good mornnnNNNGHHBLARF
Aim for the bowl! AIM FOR THE BOWL!
So, impregnation: successful! But Theodora doesn't have the luxury of sitting around and gestating all day. I'm sending her out to look for a partner that's better than Cashlin!
And hold it: there are actually GOOD-LOOKING MEN ON THE PREMISES. PRAISE WILL WRIGHT.
Guy #1 Sean miraculously passes the Theodora Hotness Test.
Guy #2 Devon doesn't even register, but her lack of good judgment is no surprise to me by now.
I wanted more options, so out Theo goes to rollerskate while pregnant.
Theodora: CHECK IT, BIYATCHES!
And she's actually really good.
She's got one fan already!
Tony: HURK! I think I felt my stomach backflip...
Oh yeah, Tony? Did I ask you? Go away.
Any hot men at the gym?
Theodora: GROSS, NO
Theodora: ARE YOU KIDDING ME?
Theodora: YEP YOU'RE UGLY *smile smile*
Even creepy tickling sessions won't sway her Impenetrable Vagiron. :(
SIGH. It's back to this chump then.
Now that she's stuck at home, there's not much for her to do except try to befriend the local aggressive wolf, Levi.
Cashlin's favorite thing to do after work is to sidle up next to Theodora in bed and silently lay there. For hours.
It took him until 5:40 in the morning to realize that maybe he should go to sleep. ):<
I think it goes without saying that Theodora DESPERATELY needs a different man in her life.
Sean is just like Theo in that he's a ~delicate shy baby~
Cashlin: Can I really just leave my wife at home alone with this random guy I've never even met?
Yes! It's totally safe, I promise! Heheheheh.
Theodora immediately gets hands-on and starts makin' with the backrubs.
Sean: Ahhhhhh... that feels great! Your turn!
Theodora: Um, hold on a second.
Theodora: PHEW! Sorry, gotta grow another man's baby in there!
Theodora: But aren't I so cute when I do it, though??
I only wish my flirting game was this good.
Oooh, I'm getting my first sign of ISBI spouse greatness: spontaneous yardwork!! Thank god!
That definitely deserves a reward!
Sean: She's sooooooooo cute teeheehee~ *hides in tree*
Theodora: *smugs heavily*
Stripper: BUT DON'T FORGET TO COME BACK TO THE CLUB AND SEE THIS SWEET ASS OF MINE!
Cashlin: EXCUSE ME. I CAN DO YARDWORK WITHOUT BEING ASKED, TOO.
Sure, but can you stop creeping on your wife long enough to get up and catch the carpool? NOPE!
Oh well, at least that means he's present to witness the birthing! WHICH I AM LEAVING AS A CLIFFHANGER BECAUSE I'M MEAN. And also forgetful, because I completely forgot to include a stats list last time...
+ Pomerantz ISBI Stats +
That's it from me! Thanks so much for reading! :D